The Devil Kings' Summit
by Tralfmadore
Summary: Don't we all need a few more random parodies in our lives?


_Disclaimer: I don't own rights to the Devil Kings Media Franchise. I also have never heard of it before in my life. Yes, as a self imposed challenge, I am writing a fanfiction for something I have done absolutely no research on and know absolutely nothing about. But that's okay, because I only saw one other story in the Devil Kings section of Fanfiction, I highly doubt anyone will ever read this unless they find it through my profile page. If you've been to my profile page, or have read any of my other stories, then you are probably aware of the fact that I am generally crazy person. Now, get ready for a story arch that is so epic, it spans 2 different video games I have never heard of before! _

**Author's Introduction:**

Hello, everyone! Welcome to Hell! It's a nice, warm place down here where soon some random videogame developer is soon going to ruin the story of Dante Alighieri's The Inferno by making it into a crappy action game. It almost makes me wish that stupidity was a severe enough sin to deserve immediate divine retribution. But then, if stupidity was a crime, then insanity would probably also be a crime, so I would be typing this straight from the 7th or 8th circle of Hell right now.

I'm not.

Actually, I am just skirting the borders of Hell, wandering through Limbo. There's no eternal torture here, just a bunch of mist and a lot of confusion. So kind of like Silent Hill…Uh…without the monsters…who torture people…Um…

Look, it's a foggy place with lots of confusion and a computer lab with a fantastic internet connection, okay!

I'm now going to completely break that train of thought for a moment to write about something that just occurred to me. You know the 9th circle of Hell, right? It's that place where you just look at the door, and there's a reservation list that has Adolf Hitler listed ten times. But anyways, all I really can remember about it is that people are frozen there, which doesn't sound that bad to me. So therefore, here's my suggestion (…I guess I'm making this suggestion to Satan…Wow. I never in a million years thought I would give Satan tips on how to torture people) here's my suggestion for a new form of torture they could give to lost souls:

Alright, first, give them a room that has no internet connection…Let me say that again: **No internet connection**. Just for that most people would be begging for a death that has already happened.

Next, put them in front of a T.V. that has endless marathons of Barney and Rape Victims…Er, I mean 'Friends' mixed in with Teletubbies.

There will be speakers in the room which pump out music by Paris Hilton, Ashley Simpson, and any number of American Idol contestants. During breaks between torture sessions, that (dare I call it this?) "music" will be replaced with audio of 5-year-olds throwing screaming fits on Xbox live.

These lost souls will then be put in stretching machines and used as trampolines for lesser demons wearing shoes fitted with daggers.

And all the while, Pyramid Head is butt-raping them. No, not with his junk…_With the tip of his head_.

I'll give you a minute to think on that.

Don't worry, I'll really try and not go off topic again.

So, I kind of lied when I said I did absolutely no research on this game. I _did_ in fact skim the synopsis of the other fanfic I saw in the Devil Kings section, and it said something about an anime. So this is an anime series? Seriously?!

That's Awesome!!!!!

With my knowledge of anime cliques, this fic will be a piece of cake! (that is not a lie)

So here you are, enjoy this amazing fanfiction set in the Devil Kings universe. Happy Reading!

**The Devil Kings' Summit**

A few years ago, in a galaxy very, very close by, some Japanese guy came up with an idea for an anime. This exciting new anime was a brilliant concept that involved devils (what an original idea, a devil in an anime!). He was sure the general public would be blown away by this shockingly creative idea. But he didn't stop there, because these devils were special: they formed a monarchy!!!! And so did a few other devils, hence the plural _Kings_. Anyways, that was the creative twist, the other 99% of the show was simply a bunch of cliques people have seen a thousand times. Here is the result:

**RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!!!!!!!!!**

The little ten year old devil boy awoke with a startled gasp. Today was the day he began his adventure to become a Devilmon master. He quickly realized something was wrong.

"Oh no! What time is it?!"

Apparently, he slept in late on one of the most important days of his life. He dressed quickly and then ran downstairs to meet his devil mother-a character who was completely insignificant and would not be seen ever again after the first episode-and his devil grandmother, who held a deep, deep, extremely clichéd secret.

The devil boy, whose name was Ashford, nearly crashed into his devil mother, who was standing in the front door, waiting for him.

"OH, SORRY MOM!!!! I ALMOST DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE!!!! YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND-BEING A POINTLESS CHARACTER AND ALL. I MEAN, SOMETIMES I EVEN WONDER WHY THE STORYWRITERS EVEN DECIDED THAT I SHOULD HAVE PARENTS!!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!"

Ashford's mom seemed to ignore his very rude comments.

"Oh, Ashford, honey. I hope you're not too late getting to Professor Bloke's lab. All the good Devilmon will already be taken…"

Now, thing is, Ashford had a slight speech impediment. He couldn't talk like normal people. Instead, he basically shouted about 90% of his lines. Also a violent case of turrets forced him to say the words: "Believe it!" after just about every line he said.

"YEAH, MOM! THAT WOULD REALLY BE A BAD THING! BELIEVE IT!!!!! NOW COULD YOU PLEASE GET OUT OF THE WAY?!"

"Now, hold on just a minute there, youngster…" said the other woman in the room.

"GRANDMA, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M IN A HURRY!!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!"

The boy's grandmother turned to his mom.

"It would have helped so much if you had taught this boy some manners! Can I expect anything out of you?"

Ashford came to his mother's defense.

"HEY, GRANDMA!!! LAY OFF MY MOM!!!! SHE'S THE LEAST IMPORTANT CHARACTER THIS SHOW HAS!!!! YOU CAN'T EXPECT HER TO DO ANYTHING!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!

Ashford's mom beamed with pride for her son, because apparently being called inept is a good thing. The grandmother continued.

"That child is the chosen one! The chosen one from the prophesy! The prophecy made by his grandfather! He will be the salvation of this world!!!!"

"BUT THIS IS A DEVIL WORLD!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!! WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE IF I DESTROYED THE WORLD?!!!!"

"Oh, nobody believes that nonsense anymore," Ashford's mom said.

"Well, nobody asked you, worthless! The prophecy is true!"

"AMAZING, ISN'T IT?!!!!!" Ashford shouted at the top of his lungs, "WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT AN ANIME WOULD CENTER AROUND A PROPHECY?!!!! OUR WRITING STAFF IS SO ORIGINAL, ISN'T IT?!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!"

And with that, Ashford ran out the door to Professor Bloke's lab. It wasn't very hard to find, being as how it was one of four buildings in the entire town. His lab, also called the Devilmon lab, focused on the study of Devilmon, who were trained by Devilmon trainers and then did battle with each other. It was basically exactly like Pokemon, except that instead of Pocket Monsters, the ones who were trained and did battle with each other were famous literary figures who had died and gone to Hell.

This counted as part of their torture.

The little devil boy Ashford ran all the way to Professor Bloke's lab, where he met the good professor.

"PROFESSOR BLOKE!!!! WHERE'S MY DEVILMON?!!!!" screamed Ashford, even though he was about 4 inches away from the poor professor's face. Bloke paused for a second, waiting for Ashford to say, "BELIEVE IT!!!" but as the first great plot twist the show ever had, those words didn't come.

"I'm sorry, Ashford, we're all out of Devilmon." said Bloke, matter-of-factly.

"PROFESSOR, ARE THERE _ANY_ DEVILMON LEFT?!!!"

"Well, technically, there is still one left…"

"PROFESSOR, I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!"

The professor retrieved a Devilball which, strangely enough, was emblazoned with the picture of a black bird. Ashford took the Devilball and threw it to the ground, thus summoning the Devilmon inside.

The Devilmon was a grim-looking middle-aged man with black hair and a mustache. He looked really, really sad, and his eyes were already red, welling up with tears.

"Ashford, this is Edgar Allen Poe." said the professor.

"AWWWW!!!! ISN'T HE SO CUTE!!!!!" shouted Ashford

Edgar Allen Poe started openly crying.

"ALRIGHT, EDGAR ALLEN POE, LET'S GO ON OUR JOURNEY!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!"

They walked to the edge of their town, where, for the first time, Ashford looked back and wondered why the only buildings in the town were his house, the professor's house, and the Devilmon lab. There were other people living in the town, so were they all homeless bums or something?

But that didn't matter anymore, because from this day forward, Ashford would work really hard out in the world to become a Devilmon master!

Oh, and he also had to save his annoying little brother from the clutches of Team Zeppelin, who were like Team Rocket, only more sexually ambiguous. I almost forgot to mention that subplot. Silly me!

Ashford walked a whole 20 steps away from his house, when he was rudely interrupted by an annoying nerd, who walked over to talk to Ashford…

"I battle with bugs!" declared the nerd.

"UH, THAT'S GREAT, BUT WERE'R KIND OF BUSY!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!! CAN YOU EXCUSE US?!!!!"

"bu…but it is the sacred rule of Devilmon trainers that when they lock eyes, they have to battle…"

"BUT I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!"

"Shut up and prepare to face the wrath of my Devilmon!!!!" screamed the nerd.

Suddenly, Ashford felt the ground around him grow hazy, as the screen switched from the over world to the battle screen.

**Bug catcher MELROD would like to duel!**

**Bug catcher MELROD sent out ERNEST HEMMINGWAY! **

Ashford knew that if he were to become a Devilmon master, he couldn't lose to the likes of this nimrod. But he kind of wondered why a bug trainer would use Ernest Hemmingway…

**Go EDGAR ALLEN POE!**

But a big problem came up. Ashford had no idea what the effects of Edgar Allen Poe's attacks were. He would just have to try them all out and see what they do. Ernest Hemmingway stood menacingly before him, while Edgar Allen Poe just moped around the battle screen.

**ERNEST HEMMINGWAY used EPIC BULLFIGHTING TACTICS!**

**ERNEST HEMMINWAY's evasion rose!**

"_DAMMINT!! NOW HE'LL BE EVEN HARDER TO HIT!!!!"_ thought Ashford, who even shouted in his thoughts. But now it was his turn.

**EDGAR ALLEN POE used DEPRESSING POETRY ATTACK…**

**But it failed!**

"OH, COME ON, POE! WE HAVE TO WIN SO THAT I CAN BECOME A DEVILMON MASTER!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!

**ERNEST HEMMINWAY used BIG GAME HUNTING RIFLE!**

**It's super effective!**

The damage caused by Hemminway's attack knocked off three fourths of Edgar Allen Poe's health.

**EDGAR ALLEN POE used INCESTUOUS MARRIAGE!**

**ERNEST HEMMINGWAY is really creeped out and missed his turn!**

"YES! WE GET ANOTHER TURN!!!" screamed Ashford. Deep down, he knew he would have to turn this battle around or else lose.

**EDGAR ALLEN POE used SUPER-WHINY EMO POUTING!**

**EDGAR ALLEN POE fled!**

"WHAT?!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT AGAINST ANOTHER TRAINER!!!! BELIEVE IT!!! AND I WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOUR FOURTH ATTACK WAS!!!! WAIT, WHERE ARE WE?!!!!" screamed Ashford at the top of his lungs.

"Hey, little boy, will you please shut up?!" yelled someone nearby.

Ashford looked around. At a circular table sat a bunch of older devils dressed like royalty. Remembering something that was on the news not too long ago, Ashford remembered: all the devil kings in the land were having a summit to discuss important issues.

Not realizing that his teleportation move had worked, Edgar Allen Poe was still pouting like an annoying emo.

"By all that is demonic and evil, these two are annoying, aren't they?" said Mundus, one of the devil kings.

"I'll take care of them," said an annoyingly voiced and impossibly skinny little girl with red hair. "I, Demon Lord Etna will dispatch them with my Prinnies. Prinny squad one!…

"Don't you dare call those blasted penguins in here." said Kain. "I'll not have any of them exploding in here. I can have these two's blood separated from their frail bodies in a matter of seconds…"

"Oh, oh, I can be faster," said King Conker. "With the power of glitches, I'll have them defeated before you can even stand up!"

"But that wouldn't be any…fun. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." said Albert Wesker, who somehow qualified as a devil king. "This little boy might show some promise. I want to see if the Code Veronica Virus will work on him…"

"He might make for a good sacrament." said Walter Sullivan, who was their as a translator. But then the figure to his left motioned to speak, so he quieted down.

"BAAA!" said the Dark Goat…Er…I mean "God" of Silent Hill.

"God here says that the young one might make good food." said Walter.

"Oh, enough bickering!" said the Russian accent from across the table. For reasons all his own, Revolver Ocelot had decided to show up, claiming to be a devil king.

"Wesker, you take the boy. As for the other one…"

Ocelot stood up and faced Poe, who still didn't realize what was going on.

"MASSIVE PLOT HOLE ATTACK!!!" screamed Ocelot.

Suddenly, a giant plot hole formed behind Poe, and Ocelot, despite being over a hundred years old, sprung towards him swiftly and knocked him inside. Poe only cried as he fell.

"HEY, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT'S A VERY MEAN THING TO DO, YOU BIG BULLY!!!! BELIEVE IT!!! NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BECOME A DEVILMON MASTER?!!!"

"Excuse me, little boy?" said the blonde haired man wearing sunglasses who suddenly appeared behind Ashford. "How about if I told you that I could turn you into a giant demonic fire-ant?"

Ashford looked starry eyed into the stranger.

"COULD YOU REALLY DO THAT, MISTER?!!!"

"Oh, sure I could. Assumingthatthevirusdoesntkillyoulikeitdidthelastfiftytestsubjects." Wesker rattled off as fast as he could.

"WHAT WAS THAT LAST PART AGAIN?!!!"

"Oh, nothing. Now come with me, little boy…Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

And so Ashford walked off into the deus ex machina ending.

"What did you do with the emo, Ocelot?" asked Sullivan.

"Ha-ha. I'm glad you asked. Because it's ironic, I sent him into the realm of a game that nobody on fanfiction has heard off. It's a section that only has 1 story written in it! (Ocelot usually did that 4th wall breaking thing…) My punishment to that poet is to suffer forever in an unknown universe. And nobody on Fanfiction will ever read of his exploits!"

"But what universe did you send him to?" asked Mudus.

"The Secret of Evermore, my friend, The Secret of Evermore."


End file.
